For All We Call Mizzou
The vast majority of people reading this aren't even in the same state as me. Most of them haven't even passed through. So for them, I have a shitty chain letter that was forwarded to me a while back. For those who do or have lived here, I'm sure you'll agree that this basically hits the nail on the head. Comments in brackets.
You Know You Grew Up In Missouri if:
1. You've never met any celebrities. [I haven't met a single one. I've seen them and been in their presence, sure. Richard Kruspe sweat on me while he was headbanging. That's about as close as I've been]
2. Everyone you know has been on a "float trip." [The comedy of this statement is held in the fact that we don't even say, "What's a float trip?" We just sort of say, "Yeah...?"]
3. "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun or Six Flags. [This is true. Almost every alleged vacation I've been on has been to Six Flags. A girl asked me to go on vacay with her. Three guesses whether it was to Six Flags or not. I've been there so many times that even not having been there for years, I could walk in right now and I'd still know the entire layout by heart. I didn't even go as much as most people do. I've never been to Worlds of Fun and have only been to Silver Dollar City once. The writer forgot to include the St. Louis Science Center and Zoo, which every class up to the fifth grade or beyond goes to at least once a year]
4. You've seen all the biggest bands...ten years AFTER they were popular. [And even then, you have to drive to St. Louis to see them. Not even country singers come here]
5. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles. ["How far is it to A's house?" "'Bout ten minutes."]
6. Down South to you means Arkansas. [I personally consider Springfield to be about the cutoff, however that's pretty close to Arkansas. Technically, it should be around the Kansas City-Columbia-St. Louis line according to Civil War history]
7. The phrase, "I'm going to the lake this weekend," only means one thing. [One thing, and it's not in reference to anything sexual. I hate fishing]
8. You know several people who have hit deer. [It's so common that the response to "B hit a deer," isn't "Holy crap is he okay?" It's just, "Oh? What road? Yeah, there's lots ov'em out ther. How's th' car?"]
9. The local ciniplex can't show more than five movies at a time. [That sounds about right. I think my hometown could show six to eight, but never anything too sexual or violent or the Baptists would throw a bitchfit]
10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. [Although due to the intensity of weather here, to constitute a snow day you basically have to have a frozen road that results in fatality BEFORE 5am or a lazy superintendent who doesn't want to get out of bed, either]
11. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. [It's not common, but it happens. Normally those are just half days and we still have to sit in 100 degree (~38C) rooms anyway.
12. You know what "Party Cove" is. [My hometown has the "Pirate's Cove" to play on the local mascot, the pirate. Cute. Dumbasses]
13. You instinctively ask someone you've just met, "What high school did you go to?" [I've heard this so many times out of university students who aren't even freshies that it's ridiculous. It's more if you're from St. L or KC that the question follows]
14. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. [Sometimes in the same errand run. Weather here is literally the most sporadic on earth. Meteorologists love us]
15. You think ethanol "sure does make mah truck run a lot better." [Well...it does make mah truck run a lot better]
16. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. [I've heard the saying a lot but I can't recall it right now because I think it's probably some racist crap I've blocked out. Maybe it's not, but "it's probably some racist crap" is a fair assumption considering the location]
17. You see people wear straw hats at funerals. [I've only been to two funerals, and one was Catholic, which doesn't really count as Missourian. I'm sure I'll see it someday]
18. You see a car running in the parking lot at the grocery store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year. [Mostly gas stations, but this is stupidly not a lie. Even city maintenance and ambulances and stuff have been out there running before]
19. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football (But NEVER Oklahoma!). [I couldn't give less of a shit if I tried, however it's always a big turnout for those games. Parties all the hell all over east campus]
20. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition, e.g. "Where's my coat at?" [I used to, and you hear it more often than not if you listen for it. We also say things like "how come?" instead of "why" and call turn signals "blinkers." Hazard lights are sometimes called (I even saw this posted on parking signs more than once) "flashers"]
21. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain. [When they run out of fruits, vegetables, and grains, they just start saying "county fair," although I believe there might be a "Twilight Festival"]
22. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. [The motion detecting lights, too. I know many people who have these but leave "the side door open in case oneaya gits locked out"]
23. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and jello-salad-with-marshmallows. [Mmm... jello salad with marshmallows ...mmmm]
24. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should, too. [Seriously, if you don't have cables and don't know how to jump a car, how can you possibly be prepared to enter the working world? And you call rednecks stupid]
25. You went to skating parties as a kid. [Yes! I wish people still had skating parties. Once for Passover I had a bunch of people over and we played hockey, but that's the closest it's been for a long while. I miss skating parties]
26. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. [They forgot Tobasco, red pepper, and chili powder]
27. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. [Or under a poncho, depending on how crappy the weather is that year]
28. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie. [It's not what you put on, it's how you take it off. Remember that]
29. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires six pages for sports. [Namely, high school football and/or wrestling]
30. You think I-44 is spelled and pronounced "farty-far" (St. Louis residents only). [St. Louis can burn. I've never been there long enough to experience this]
31. You'll pay for your kids to go to college unless they want to go to KU. [Or try this...I won't pay for my kids to go to college at all! Heh, sike, I'll help them out, but I won't be rich monitarily until I'm a grandparent.]
32. You think that deer season is a national holiday. [I don't hunt, but deer season is kind of spoken about as if it were going on everywhere]
33. You know that Concordia is halfway between Kansas City and Columbia, and Columbia is halfway between St. Louis and Kansas City, and Columbia is halfway between Hannibal and Springfield, and the Warrenton Outlet Mall is halfway between Columbia and St. Louis. [This is true. Every Missourian knows this and other halfways not listed here. Probably the easiest way to find out if someone claiming to be from here really was or not, if anyone would ever be stupid enough to lie about that of all things]
34. You can't think of anything better than sittin' on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm. [Yes I can. Sittin' on the porch in the middle of the summer during a lightning storm drinking beer. Possibly eating Taco Bell or the like. I think that's what they really meant, though]
35. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. [My first thought was, "It's not that hard to tell," but then I thought, "Well, I guess when you're surrounded by forest since you were six, it's not. My uncle defied this by wiping his ass with poisoned ivy once. Uncles exist for comedic bodily humour, though]
36. You've said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." [I refrain from saying this because it's basically the Missourian catchphrase. Heat causes humidity, dipshits. However sometimes...sometimes it IS the humidity. During the summer some moron will say this at least once a day if you but think of the weather]
37. You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and football. [More like...windy, hell, freezing, and frozen]
38. You know if another Missourian is from the Bootheel, Ozarks, Eastern, Middle, or Western Missouri as soon as he opens his mouth. [This is untrue. All you have to do is look at them]
39. You know that Harry S. Truman, Walt Disney and Mark Twain are all from Missouri. [And hate them all because of that fact alone]
40. You failed geography in school because you thought Cuba, Versailles, California, Nevada, Houston, Cabool, Florida, Louisiana, Springfield, and Mexico were all cities in Missouri (and they are!). [Along with about fifty other cities with ripped off names, like London and Paris. All of these towns are potholes except for Springfield and all of the people from them suck including Springfield]
41. You think a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. [Or backhoe, or mobile home, or grain thrasher thingy]
42. You know what "HOME OF THE THROWED ROLL" means!!! [I LOVE that place. That was the coolest trip I've taken in this state and probably the only good vacation one can take here]
44. You read this list, and did't see anything abnormal about it. [Your MOM is abnormal! Oooooohhhh]
You Know You Grew Up In Missouri if:
1. You've never met any celebrities. [I haven't met a single one. I've seen them and been in their presence, sure. Richard Kruspe sweat on me while he was headbanging. That's about as close as I've been]
2. Everyone you know has been on a "float trip." [The comedy of this statement is held in the fact that we don't even say, "What's a float trip?" We just sort of say, "Yeah...?"]
3. "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun or Six Flags. [This is true. Almost every alleged vacation I've been on has been to Six Flags. A girl asked me to go on vacay with her. Three guesses whether it was to Six Flags or not. I've been there so many times that even not having been there for years, I could walk in right now and I'd still know the entire layout by heart. I didn't even go as much as most people do. I've never been to Worlds of Fun and have only been to Silver Dollar City once. The writer forgot to include the St. Louis Science Center and Zoo, which every class up to the fifth grade or beyond goes to at least once a year]
4. You've seen all the biggest bands...ten years AFTER they were popular. [And even then, you have to drive to St. Louis to see them. Not even country singers come here]
5. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles. ["How far is it to A's house?" "'Bout ten minutes."]
6. Down South to you means Arkansas. [I personally consider Springfield to be about the cutoff, however that's pretty close to Arkansas. Technically, it should be around the Kansas City-Columbia-St. Louis line according to Civil War history]
7. The phrase, "I'm going to the lake this weekend," only means one thing. [One thing, and it's not in reference to anything sexual. I hate fishing]
8. You know several people who have hit deer. [It's so common that the response to "B hit a deer," isn't "Holy crap is he okay?" It's just, "Oh? What road? Yeah, there's lots ov'em out ther. How's th' car?"]
9. The local ciniplex can't show more than five movies at a time. [That sounds about right. I think my hometown could show six to eight, but never anything too sexual or violent or the Baptists would throw a bitchfit]
10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. [Although due to the intensity of weather here, to constitute a snow day you basically have to have a frozen road that results in fatality BEFORE 5am or a lazy superintendent who doesn't want to get out of bed, either]
11. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. [It's not common, but it happens. Normally those are just half days and we still have to sit in 100 degree (~38C) rooms anyway.
12. You know what "Party Cove" is. [My hometown has the "Pirate's Cove" to play on the local mascot, the pirate. Cute. Dumbasses]
13. You instinctively ask someone you've just met, "What high school did you go to?" [I've heard this so many times out of university students who aren't even freshies that it's ridiculous. It's more if you're from St. L or KC that the question follows]
14. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. [Sometimes in the same errand run. Weather here is literally the most sporadic on earth. Meteorologists love us]
15. You think ethanol "sure does make mah truck run a lot better." [Well...it does make mah truck run a lot better]
16. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. [I've heard the saying a lot but I can't recall it right now because I think it's probably some racist crap I've blocked out. Maybe it's not, but "it's probably some racist crap" is a fair assumption considering the location]
17. You see people wear straw hats at funerals. [I've only been to two funerals, and one was Catholic, which doesn't really count as Missourian. I'm sure I'll see it someday]
18. You see a car running in the parking lot at the grocery store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year. [Mostly gas stations, but this is stupidly not a lie. Even city maintenance and ambulances and stuff have been out there running before]
19. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football (But NEVER Oklahoma!). [I couldn't give less of a shit if I tried, however it's always a big turnout for those games. Parties all the hell all over east campus]
20. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition, e.g. "Where's my coat at?" [I used to, and you hear it more often than not if you listen for it. We also say things like "how come?" instead of "why" and call turn signals "blinkers." Hazard lights are sometimes called (I even saw this posted on parking signs more than once) "flashers"]
21. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain. [When they run out of fruits, vegetables, and grains, they just start saying "county fair," although I believe there might be a "Twilight Festival"]
22. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. [The motion detecting lights, too. I know many people who have these but leave "the side door open in case oneaya gits locked out"]
23. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and jello-salad-with-marshmallows. [Mmm... jello salad with marshmallows ...mmmm]
24. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should, too. [Seriously, if you don't have cables and don't know how to jump a car, how can you possibly be prepared to enter the working world? And you call rednecks stupid]
25. You went to skating parties as a kid. [Yes! I wish people still had skating parties. Once for Passover I had a bunch of people over and we played hockey, but that's the closest it's been for a long while. I miss skating parties]
26. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. [They forgot Tobasco, red pepper, and chili powder]
27. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. [Or under a poncho, depending on how crappy the weather is that year]
28. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie. [It's not what you put on, it's how you take it off. Remember that]
29. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires six pages for sports. [Namely, high school football and/or wrestling]
30. You think I-44 is spelled and pronounced "farty-far" (St. Louis residents only). [St. Louis can burn. I've never been there long enough to experience this]
31. You'll pay for your kids to go to college unless they want to go to KU. [Or try this...I won't pay for my kids to go to college at all! Heh, sike, I'll help them out, but I won't be rich monitarily until I'm a grandparent.]
32. You think that deer season is a national holiday. [I don't hunt, but deer season is kind of spoken about as if it were going on everywhere]
33. You know that Concordia is halfway between Kansas City and Columbia, and Columbia is halfway between St. Louis and Kansas City, and Columbia is halfway between Hannibal and Springfield, and the Warrenton Outlet Mall is halfway between Columbia and St. Louis. [This is true. Every Missourian knows this and other halfways not listed here. Probably the easiest way to find out if someone claiming to be from here really was or not, if anyone would ever be stupid enough to lie about that of all things]
34. You can't think of anything better than sittin' on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm. [Yes I can. Sittin' on the porch in the middle of the summer during a lightning storm drinking beer. Possibly eating Taco Bell or the like. I think that's what they really meant, though]
35. You know which leaves make good toilet paper. [My first thought was, "It's not that hard to tell," but then I thought, "Well, I guess when you're surrounded by forest since you were six, it's not. My uncle defied this by wiping his ass with poisoned ivy once. Uncles exist for comedic bodily humour, though]
36. You've said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." [I refrain from saying this because it's basically the Missourian catchphrase. Heat causes humidity, dipshits. However sometimes...sometimes it IS the humidity. During the summer some moron will say this at least once a day if you but think of the weather]
37. You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and football. [More like...windy, hell, freezing, and frozen]
38. You know if another Missourian is from the Bootheel, Ozarks, Eastern, Middle, or Western Missouri as soon as he opens his mouth. [This is untrue. All you have to do is look at them]
39. You know that Harry S. Truman, Walt Disney and Mark Twain are all from Missouri. [And hate them all because of that fact alone]
40. You failed geography in school because you thought Cuba, Versailles, California, Nevada, Houston, Cabool, Florida, Louisiana, Springfield, and Mexico were all cities in Missouri (and they are!). [Along with about fifty other cities with ripped off names, like London and Paris. All of these towns are potholes except for Springfield and all of the people from them suck including Springfield]
41. You think a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. [Or backhoe, or mobile home, or grain thrasher thingy]
42. You know what "HOME OF THE THROWED ROLL" means!!! [I LOVE that place. That was the coolest trip I've taken in this state and probably the only good vacation one can take here]
44. You read this list, and did't see anything abnormal about it. [Your MOM is abnormal! Oooooohhhh]
posted by red at 00:47
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"39. You know that Harry S. Truman, Walt Disney and Mark Twain are all from Missouri. [And hate them all because of that fact alone]
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