I Want There to Be

Me: I don't know if it's all true or not, but Roni basically said I fucked it up when I mentioned my ex visiting in July and that was the icing on the cake.

Ex: She asked me one night something or other about what happened, but because I was mad and being a smartass at the time, my response to her was, "Well, it's okay, [she]'s going to visit him in July and they can get back together and it'll all work out how it was supposed to."

I love reading stories with situational irony in them. I hate when it actually happens.

For those of you who are STUPID, I am presently single. If any rich, deathly ill old women who would be happy to will me all their money are available, give me a call.

And those of you going, "You deserve to have lost her because you were ______" (insert word such as lusting, cheating, etc). NO. You fucking RETARD. I was CRUSHED when my then-girlfriend said that.

Yeah, so I'm cleaning out my inbox at five in the morning, trying to make some space. Reading through the mountain of going to break up, going to break up, breaking up, still breaking up, broken up, let's be friends, still broken up, you don't suck I just don't want you, post broken up letters.

From like eighth grade on.

On the upside, my German teacher has taken classtime to compliment my pronunciation twice now, and considering we have a Swedish kid in the class, that made my day both times. A Jewish kid from down the hall was looking at some Hebrew I wrote on my whiteboard, not knowing I wrote it, and was talking to some other guy. He said, "That is truly beautiful Hebrew," and took a picture of it on his camera phone to send to a friend.

Sadly, that's all that I have to fill me. It's that time of year that everyone's looking for someone. Yesterday was my ex's birthday, which of course I spent all day (ahem, the whole week, you know) thinkging about her as a result of. Then I find myself reading all of these old things, having all these old memories. And I know how much she's into the next guy already, and it makes me think of all the other people who fall under the "x-list" and how they so quickly jumped to the next person.

At least this one was courteous enough to wait until I was really gone though. If you're reading, thank you for not cheating me. You're the first and only to truly stay faithful to the end. I will never forget that bit of merciful kindness.

It's also Yom Kippur. I decided I was going to celebrate it this year. I didn't know what time the temple services started, so I didn't go. Then I was going to eat before sundown (when the fast begins) but the cafe was closed. So I ate a couple fruit rollups because that's all I had. I knew I'd be famished the next day. I found some Ramen, but the sun was already down. I ate it anyway, then felt really guilty because I was such a lameo I couldn't go one day without eating. My goal had been to get something on my stomach before it started, but I figure the fast is only symbolic anyway.

Not eating doesn't mean I'm any closer to knowing what I really believe in. I really want there to be some sort of god. No different than Christians want there to be a messiah and Nihilists want there to be nothing, I suppose.

I want hope.

I'm tired of everything going wrong no matter how hard I try or how much I love or how much I believe. It seems everyone turns away in the end, and that only makes me fearful of my actions around those who haven't.

But really, I have my priorities all wrong. The ones that haven't are the ones I should let affect me the most. I constantly find myself saddened because of those who have. I think that's natural though. Any time someone turns away from you, you're going to feel it.

I feel it.

Isn't that what I wanted? I went to therapy, an institution, wrote countless little squiggles about how devoid I was of feeling and how much I wished I could feel human things. I realize that I have always been able to feel, I was simply only feeling the negative ones.

Anger, sadness, hate, love, apathy, disgust.

Wait, love? Yeah. I shouldn't list it as negative, it's taught me so much and I've gained so much from it. But it has only lead to much, much more pain.

Not, I must say, counting camaraderie. The other kind of love. The intense love where another person becomes your heart, and without that person your blood stops flowing. You become numb and die.

I was burned at work the other day. Burns, unlike any other wounds, have totally predictable behaviour. After you are hurt, it still feels like you're being burned. It can hurt to the touch, or even to think about it. It will swell and become worse and continue to be painful. Eventually, after a long while, the swelling will go down and the injured skin will fade to a red marking. The marking will fade in time, too. Perhaps there will be a scar, but in time even it will fade a little.

I have a bad history of fire in more than one way.

I have a worse history of trying to throw a phoenix from my ashes, only to have it doused again. Why do I continue to try? Why don't I just let them bury my ashes?

What reason do I have to try? There's nothing waiting for me at the end of my efforts.