For those of you who don't read everyone's entries, a good-comrade-slash-ex-girlfriend of mine in the lineup decided to address me personally in her journal a bit less than an hour ago. Those of you who don't read everyone's entries (or even those who do) also know that I practically never, never ever ever write to someone in here. This journal is by me, for me. But being the unfair person I am, when an exception is made for me, I'm more likely to make an exception in return.

Now. As my journal host continuously brought up errors for the past twenty minutes, I contemplated calling my comrade, figuring with such a recent post she'd still be mostly awake. I contemplated calling tomorrow. I contemplated going to sleep and ignoring it completely. In the end, I'm going to go with the worst idea of the bunch, and both write and call.

For convenience, here is the entry pointed to me:

---

"12:46 am - Hate Me
What do you want from me?
What?
Do you want lies? False hopes? Do you want me to give you something that I can't?

I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry. Nothing I can say will justify it to you. I love you, and if you try to pretend that isn't true or convince ME that I don't really love you, then you can fuck off.

I love you.

And I make mistakes. Humans do that. I'm human. I've never claimed to be anything else. If this is a mistake, its one I have to make, ok? If this is a reason for you to hate me, fine. Hate me. Do what you have to. I won't hold it against you.

I never meant to give you false hopes. Things I've said and done, at the time were real. If I feel something, I tell you. If I don't, I tell you. Time changes things. People change things. I'm not who you once knew, and I never can be. Alpha is dead. Alpha died a few years ago. She exists now in YOUR memory. I have no recollection of her.

Hate me if you must. Hate the world.

I, personally, would rather be wounded in love than wounded in hatred."

---

Begin at the beginning, I suppose. But not of the situation, only of the letter/entry.

What do I want from you? I don't recall ever asking you for anything. I learned very early on that one can scarcely be deemed demanding when he demands nothing. Asking or not, what I want is just honesty. And yes, I feel like in certain circumstances that hasn't been offered. That's really my only want-gripe.

Do I want lies? No. False hopes? No. That's why, as I said, I feel that in certain circumstances our present state of semi-conflict could have been avoided. When I decide to do something, it's because my heart's in it, not because nothing else has turned out and I feel the need to have something there whether it's choice number one or not. I mistakenly thought that that was your view toward me as well, and I'm sure I don't have to elaborate on why I could have been led into such a line of thinking.

You're sorry that you hurt me. Okay, that's fine. I'm used to it. Really, show me someone who hasn't hurt someone else. Even someone who hasn't hurt the majority of people close to them. I can't ask any more than I can do...and all that I can do is try my best not to hurt you. And I do try my best not to. I know that I've brought you suffering as well at times despite trying to alleviate as much as possible (or, even in some instances, because I was trying to alleviate as much as possible).

You can fuck off, I love you...that's not really congruous. You need to decide what it's going to be. You act like I've tried to tell you that you can't or don't really love me or something. I don't remember doing that. Why the heck would I do that? Do you have the slightest clue how isolated I am? I'll welcome just about anyone just for trivial conversation...there's no way I'm telling someone that no, you can't love me. It wouldn't make sense. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but I refuse to allow myself to be confused by emotion or illogical statements such as that. Not this time. I've made more of an effort for you than anyone I can think of, and recently you were acting like maybe I wasn't a total idiot for doing it. So it's up to you whether you want me around. I've told you plenty of times that if you don't want me around, all you have to do is say the word and I'll respect your decision.

Yes, humans make mistakes, and no, you never claimed to be anything else. I don't deny elating you, that was my doing. But just the same, I never made you out to be infallable, nor expected you to behave in such a manner. I don't hate you, and am not going to hate you or anyone because of one action. I am very diciplined about hating "the sin, not the sinner," as the saying goes...the action, and not the one committing it.

And 'hate me if you want, but I love you' is another incongruous statement. Isn't it? If you love someone, you don't just say, "Well, if you hate me, that's really okay by me." Doesn't that strike you as odd in the least?

"I never meant to give you false hopes. Things I've said and done, at the time were real. If I feel something, I tell you. If I don't, I tell you." Definition of false hopes: telling someone you'll get together with him when you've had a boyfriend he didn't know about for months. Definition of telling what one doesn't feel when one doesn't feel it: not neglecting to mention said boyfriend was acquired during my departure, during which time literally the only thing keeping me alive was the day I knew I would return. But you know what? That was the worst of it, and it's long, long gone now. I'd like to believe that we're beyond the worst of things, and hope that I'm not proven wrong.

But if I have ever, even once, destroyed you as utterly as you destroyed me, let it be known. If, then, you overcame it to still show me love to the extent that I have shown you, I will carry the shame of my sins against you to my grave.

That is how I feel about that. There was no betrayal of trust. No betrayal of the mind or of deed. Only betrayal of the soul. And still I offered it fully to you. How can you question my love, then? How can you possibly slap me in the face with an accusation of hatred? That, of all things, is the most insulting taunt of my life.

"I'm not who you once knew, and I never can be." Nor am I. I am a new person, reborn each day as I rise. I could become anyone or anything, but instead I become the same thing every day: someone who is loyal to the very end to every single comrade. I am what I am...because someone has to be, and so few can.

"Alpha is dead. Alpha died a few years ago. She exists now in YOUR memory. I have no recollection of her." It's low of me to say, but that's not surprising to hear. I never asked for 'Alpha.' The only time I even use that term is when someone who otherwise wouldn't know whom I was speaking of is present. You know that your memory is random droplets in a pond and that you remember little, while I remember the very atoms of the molecules of your droplets. So, if you won't trust my words, trust my memory when I say: You have not managed to kill her, though you have tried. It was she who typed the provocation, and it is to her I type this return letter.

I have already sentenced her to death to free us both. The half of her that resided in me has long since been destroyed. It's up to you to finish her off.

There's no more patience for games.