Good Evening, Friends

I realize that I truly feel nothing for anyone here, and that in turn makes me feel nautious. Am I betraying them by feeling that way, or is it simply the natural run of events carving out its course? My brothers and daughters here, they don't speak to me anymore. I've become as foreign to them as my parents and sister have to me.

As I stand naked in the shower cubicle, the light continues to flicker, reminding me of how old and run down the building, in fact my own body, have become over the years. I tilt my head back, eyes shut, water running down my face and neck, dripping from a beard now a week without trimming. With each flicker of light through my epileptic brain I give a slight jerk, a slight spasm, feel a slight wince of pain.

If I could see my face, I would know that it looked as if I were going to cry. If I had the ability to cry anymore, I probably would. But I simply don't have that capacity anymore...I don't think I have for a long time. It would feel too good to have that outlet, to have such emotion, to be so childishly human.

I put an arm to the wall and lean my forehead on it, eyes still closed. I can feel sporadic drops of water falling off the tip of my nose. Standing straight again, I realize that I'm short of breath and pull my hands to my heart. Such a weak beat. Always such a weak beat.

Finally reaching for a towel, I realize something very awkward. It is in no way depressing, for I knew it deep inside and simply never let it manifest itself in words before:

I have no friends. I have no family. I am utterly and completely alone.

No one calls, no one writes, no one even approaches saying anything the least bit personal. I can't say I do that for them, either. The difference is that for them, I tried. I remembered back to my time in the institution, all the letters I wrote, how only one person could put aside a few minutes of their time to write someone in a goddamn fucking mental hospital for Christ's sake. Now, though, not even she is really there.

Even when you talk to people, they're not there.

The people that have been there for me the most, listened and helped and supported the most have been people I've never even met. That may seem pathetic, but it's not. It's sad.

It's only sad because if it came down to saving one of these "strangers" or someone I'd known for a number of years, chances are I'd save the person I'd never even shaken hands with.

Out of the shower now, I sit down to write. I don't have anything in mind, and maybe that's why I write things people are willing to read. They'll give their time to my words because my words don't make them do anything. My words can be confrontational and they can still turn away from them and hide. People tell me I'm a good writer. Why? I don't know. Some of them say it's stylistic, some of them say I write about things that matter, some of them like my ideas. I think for all of them, it's because I give them the truth and there are no consequences for turning away from that truth, for ignoring the truth, not the way there are in real life.

How many of you were there when I needed you? You fucking answer me. Have you helped more than you've hurt? You fucking answer me or you go the fuck away. If you can't give me an honest answer either way, then fuck you, because you know the answer whether you'll say it or not. If you can't answer, I can, and my answer will come in the form of the same cold shoulder that I've been shown by most of you.

When I was in jail, where the fuck were you?
When I was in the assylum, where the fuck were you?
When I was stabbing knives into my skin, where the fuck were you?
When I was painting with my own blood, where the fuck were you?
When I was waiting for you to respond to my third unanswered letter, where the fuck were you?
When I was in the hospital on my birthday hooked up to IVs and electric cables because my brain tried to commit suicide, where the fuck were you?

Where were you when all I wanted in the entire world was someone to look me in the eyes and say, "Red, I have no idea what's going on in that skull of yours, but whatever it is, I'm here if you need me."

Where have you been?

You fucking answer me. Have you caused more harm than good? I've been a father, brother, or lover to almost all of you. If you can't honestly answer one question, get the fuck out of my life and don't ever, ever think about looking back.

You worried what I think of you? Of course not, not if you've been everything you've claimed to be. If you've been calling me a friend all this time and been acting like anything else...now's the time to be honest. I won't tolerate any more bullshit.

I may well be leaving the country quite soon, and quite permanently. Will I miss you at all? Would it be possible for me to miss you, if you never call, never write, never make time to see me? What's the difference between ten miles and a thousand if you can't take the time to look me in the eyes? Is it really that painful?

Are you really that ashamed? Of yourself? Of me?

A few of you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, a few feel only slightly worried because you have, in fact, done as much as even a remote friend possibly could. The rest of you? I can only imagine what you're feeling now.

If, in fact, you do feel anything for others.

I'm not asking you to cut off your hand or to swear on your honour that you've done your best to be a good person. I'm only asking you to answer something very simple: Where the fuck are you? Where the fuck have you been?

I'm not unreasonable. A long time ago before my brain was racked by seizures and medications, I was quite astute and a great deal brighter than I am now. Back then I stated that we who speak for an action should be the first to commit ourselves to it.

So I'll draw first. Where the fuck was I? Where the fuck have I been? I shall be as honest as I can be in the hope that you will do the same.

To my dearest Desolutionists (of which if you are not, I still want you to answer):

Red: You've betrayed me almost as many times as I've tried to murder you. You're a cancer, but I both hate and love you.

Sniper: I haven't been there for you. The last time I really remember seeing you was at the funeral. I wanted badly to write of it, but out of love for you could not bring myself to do such a dishonour. You hugged me, repeating over and over, "You're too good to me..." I felt terrible that it wasn't true; I wanted to have always been great to you. I simply wasn't there when you really needed me most. Over the years I have failed you greatly, often wanting to visit you but always shying away for my own shame that your parents might judge me harshly and take you out of my life even more completely. I often thought of and worried for you, but never made the courage to act. I was a coward when I could've benefitted you most.

Swift: After I moved, we stopped talking about anything serious. I had your college address, but since you showed yourself to be in the habit of not responding to letters I never took the initiative of writing, which I somewhat regret. Though we seldom spoke between my moving and the past month, I still remember when we finally went from enemies to friends, from friends to confidants. I always wished I could do more for you, but you always inadvertently held back that final clue that might let me know what exactly I could do. Though I wish that communication was greater in those in-between years, I believe that I would have been little use to you, and that I have done as much as I knew how at the times when I was able.

Chaos: We tend to skirt around getting very personal, but sometimes touch it, quickly pulling away as a child would touching a hot stove. As much as the situation has required, I believe I have done my best with what I had to work with, disincluding the year of silence around grade nine. I know without doubt that I could have and could in the future do more for you, but we have never had that kind of relationship and it doesn't seem fitting of us that we ever really will. I know that in the coming months we will be very dependent upon each other, and I will do my best not to let you down. Despite our lack of vocalization, I believe that you would do just about anything for me, and I think you know well enough that I would do whatever possible for you. I haven't forgotten the morning we walked in the woods (and encountered quite a few alien spiders) and the risks that simply coming to my house entailed for you. My lack of sanity and drive to live seem to be something no one is willing to discuss, but that's what I needed most, and you recognized that. I have done no such great deeds for you.

Nano: You are quite straightforwardly the only person I even talk to some days. You're not open, you're stubborn, and you're about as warm as a naked eskimo, but you're my brother and I'd do damn near anything for you. I haven't been of much use to you that I can see, but you simply existing some days brings me a great deal of calm and the drive to continue yet another twenty-four hour span. I owe you more than you'll ever realize for simply being who you are.

SyK: Though you're gone sometimes for weeks at a time, you do more without even meaning to in an hour when you are here than most do in the weeks that you aren't. I owe a great deal to you. I've learned from both your words and actions, and though you say you look up to me, I find myself humbled by you. I will die never having been satisfied that I did anywhere near enough for you. I couldn't.

Jes: You haven't been around long enough to ignore me, you lucky thing. When I barely knew you, you wrote me "looking for a commie shoulder to cry on" after your breakup. I was quite honoured that someone I had barely known already felt comfortable enough with me to share something personal. It's ironic that your dislike for my passion is what made me find you, but I have no complaint; I'm glad for it. Though chances are I'll never see you and will simply be a block of text that you read now and then, I can honestly say that you've got my best whenever I can help out in the least. Even if you're wrong 90% of the time.

Cairo: Long ago we took vows as brothers. You were my first brother and have proven time and time again that you are the strongest. I look up to you alone as being an older brother, and will take our oath with me to my dying breath. Though it has been quite impossible for us to be there for each other in a way that I would like, you were with me nonetheless in my mind and heart both, and I would commonly be motivated to go on simply by the thought of your disapproval should I quit. I love you and would die for you at your command.

Schatze: You kept me alive for years at the cost of your own blood. I have failed you miserably and a life in servitude to you and your family would never make up for the injustice and pain that I've inflicted upon you. I have always considered your family as my own, each blow dealt to them a blow to my very core. In all the beautiful kindness you have shown me, I have shown only darkness and unthanking foolishness. I know that you forgive me for my transgressions against you, but I can't forgive myself for them. I owe you quite a bit of blood, tears, and heartache.

InvisibleDream: We had a falling out a long while back. You were always a good person; we were just both going through rough spots at the same time and let our stress get the better of us. We haven't talked much since then, and your situation doesn't seem to have improved much. I did what I could for you before when we were comrades, and I'm ready to try and make up for lost time if you'll allow me to.

RodeoM: You don't read this and I have no fuckin' clue who you are. You sure does write them thar songs good. If you do stumble upon this, I find you to be a very genuine, honest man who's company I would probably quite enjoy. If I can ever be of service, let me know.

Shrugs: You've grown distant from everyone as your tastes in life have changed, but still I remember all you did for me in one of my hardest patches of life so far. I honestly did the best I could to return the favour, but since we were both going through the same things at the same time (though this brought us quite a lot closer together) I didn't have any more answers than you did. I've tried to be a good person for you in the meantime and bring your sense of adventure along with me througout the day. It's hard for me to do and very unnatural, but I feel that I owe it to you for enabling me to see that I had the ability to be something other than sad and pathetic and worried about my own shit all the time.

P-Chan: I've done more than humanly possible for you, and though I continue to tell myself I won't any longer, I know that I'm too kind to deny you better than the best of my abilities. A lot of the time I feel that I'm simply around to feed your ego and that I serve no real purpose with you. That may well be the case whether you realize it or not. No matter what the case really is, though, I would still continue to help you in any way that I could. I've always done my best to be objective with you and genuinely listen and try to help. I can't always keep from asking selfish questions, but I do try very hard not to make anything any more awkward than it has to be, because I want you to feel fine coming to me with things. There was a time when we were best friends, and though it's obvious that's passed, I miss being able to think about you without feeling bad about myself. It's selfish, I know, but I feel that I'm entitled to a little selfishness: I've tried harder for you than anyone, more than those who've hurt me far less. That statement itself is selfish, isn't it? But I said I was going to be honest. I am. There's not a single second of a single day that I could've struggled any harder and fought with myself any more than I did to do good for you. It literally drove me insane. When you told me about your blood, I tried to get you to stop. When I told you about mine, you simply said you didn't want to hear any more. I think that moment is the epitome of our existence together, and it brings me such sorrow.

Entrapment: You've done nothing but encourage me, which may or may not be a good thing, but I appreciated every second with you and always look forward to speaking with you. We're always on the same wavelength, and that's refreshing. Anything in my power to do for you, I'd do without hesitation. The bond of the waterchildren is strong. Mine's two days stronger than yours, though. I owe you quite a bit of happiness and will do my best to repay it as well and as much as possible. I rarely smile, but you're a rare person. I really do owe you.

Robo: You're not part of Desolution (yet...I may yet convince you) and you aren't really even reading this (yet...I may show you) but you were always such a wonderful, pure friend to me. I still remember sleeping in a semi, eating a giant bag of apples all night...how many other states would kids do that in while they talk about philosophy and religion? We're quite the unique duo, and I miss spending time with you. We've both made large errors, mine larger than yours and at your expense. I know I've apologized a thousand times over, and I know you don't have any grudge, but I feel that I somehow betrayed you without meaning to, and I'll always probably feel the shame of that. I do have a deep love for you; you are the hand of God in my life. I fear that I have been the hand of the devil in yours.

Dunkel: Since there's no chance in hell you'll ever read something you don't have to, I'll keep it short -- You're my brother and I love you. Your family is my family and I'd do anything for any of them. You don't know it, but when I got out of the assylum I went to your mother. I showed her the self-inflicted wounds and told her about my mental condition. I asked her for her permission to still see you. I can still see as vividly as if it were happening now the tears that came to her eyes. How miserable I felt to make your mother...our mother...shed those tears. You are a constant joy to me, the unending breath of life being breathed into me. After having said that I no longer had the ability to shed tears, I shed them now for the first time in more months than I can remember. They are of sadness for the burden I have been, but also of happiness for finding such a wonderful blessing in you. You adamantly believe that you have proof that there is no God, but if anything, you yourself are proof enough that there is. I guess this wasn't so short after all. Just be happy I didn't go out with your sister when she told me she had a crush on me, heh. Dunkel, I owe you more than my life. I owe you more from the past few years than I can give to you in five more lifetimes. My only chance is to show the same happiness to as many people as possible, giving them what you've given me. I hope it can be enough.

Composure.

So now that I'm done with flashbacks and being mushy...insert a lot of fuck-words and demands for answers. Even if you're not listed here, that's no excuse. Yell at yourself for me; I don't have the heart for it anymore.

My failure is so complete.

I guess I feel something for some people here, after all.