FedEx Kinko's is Awesome

FedEx Kinko's is decidedly worse and more painful than being in an emergency room. In an emergency room, you know you'll be bleeding to death and have to wait forever anyway. At FEK, you have to wait so long that you wish you were bleeding to death.

The last time I went was to send my laptop in for repairs, and it took fully two and a half hours just to get it in a box with a sticker on it. I was there so long that I had to roll out a sleepingbag and hire a hooker, no shit. That's why it's open 24 hours, because it takes fully three days for them to do anything. It took them about half an hour just to find the proper ten dollar cardboard box.

Thinking wishfully, I put thirty minutes worth of time on the parking meter. I was first in line, but spent that thirty minutes waiting for them to actually do something besides tell me they'd be with me in just a moment. When I finally got my form and filled it out, they asked if I had a FedEx account number, because I can't send things to Canada without one.

That's when I threw the package across the store and decked the middleaged office clerk right in the fucking jaw. Then I realized my name was on the package, so I ran over and got it and took my shipping forms with my name on them and ran before the cops came.

No shit, true story.

Well, the hooker and sleeping bag part is true, but I didn't really hit the guy. More like beheaded.

I'm going to go back tonight at close to midnight when I'm done with work, and I'm sure I'll be the only person there and it'll still take an hour.

These guys should definitely apply to be ER doctors.

V'Sarah Imenu

Rap entertains me. I can't say I'm a big fan, but occasionally there are songs I like simply because they're so absurd once I understand the lyrics. If you've never paid attention to the lyrics of Li'l Jon and The Eastside Boyz song called "Get Low," you're missing out on a good laugh.

I'm sure you've heard it even if you don't recognize the title...

"To the windoooooooow to the wall! The sweat drops down my balls! All these bitches crawl! Aww skeet skeet mu'fucka!"

I can't help but bust up every time I hear it.

A nice gally at work asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said, "Ehhhh I don't really do that..." meaning the whole presents for random people at work and such. She asked, "Don't do what?" And the student manager that everyone (cough) loves shouts, "HE'S JEWISH!!"

I just ignored it. Nice girl rephrased her question later. "What do you want for Hanukkah?" I didn't want to just be all, "I don't want your fucking shit, leave me alone," so instead I just stated that Hanukkah was the least of the Jewish holidays and I didn't really do anything special for it.

Well what's the biggest holiday, I'm asked. Persistence sometimes makes me shudder. I tell her it's Yom Kippur. "Well, what do you want for Yom Kippur?" "Ehhhh it's not quite a gift-giving holiday." Of course then she asks me to explain Kippur and I just try to give her the overview, since I'm supposed to be working.

But I decided, you know what, fuck this job. This is a genuinely nice person whom I used to eat breakfast with once a week that I've been too lazy to get my ass out of bed and go talk to on Thursday morning for the past month and a half. She's kind enough to inquire about something central to me without telling me it's wrong or stupid or that I'm illogical for not being an atheist or to make some fucktarded joke out of it. She's trying to give me a gift, and not some stupid package, but decent friendly conversation.

Now, technically, once you accept Judaism you have to swear off all practices of other religions, which would entail Christmas.

Now, technically, I never underwent mikvah, which is basically the real version of baptism that Christians stole, bastardized, and made worthless. To put it in vampire terms, without mikvah you can only be a familiar, but not a full vampire.

Hm, Monty Python moment.

"Can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, when half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? A-singing! La-tee-dee, one two three, Eric the Half a Bee! Twiddley-dum, twiddley-dee, Eric the Half a Bee!"

So I can still give Christmas shiz, and think that she's warranted herself an expression of gratitude in some form, even if I just say it verbally.

As I was deciding "fuck this job," I abandoned what I was doing and went to her station to talk to her for a bit. We talked for about three minutes and got on a serious topic quite quickly.

She complimented me with, "You've got a good head on your shoulders, Red." I hadn't seen it coming, simply because I tend to be cynical of compliments, but just said in return, "As do you. I know you act all happy all the time or whatever, but I know everyone has problems..."

I trailed off because I caught the boss giving me the evil eye for not doing whatever. The girl just nodded and said, "Yeah..."

To head off the inquiry: no, I'm not interested. I just, especially right now, am very in-tune to the kindness I receive. After my run-in with my old roommate, I'm unintentionally overexamining everything whether it's criticism or passing praise. But I think passing praise is probably the most genuine kind.

And I'm an asshole for not showing up every Thursday.

Baruch ata Adonai Eloheynu melech ha-olom. Shehehiyanu, vekiamanu, vehigianu lazman ha-zeh.