Raspberry Flavouring
People are more interested in my life than I am.
Charlie Brown says: do you think there's a chance he'd ever want to be close to me again?
Red says: i have no idea
Charlie Brown says: ah.....would you want to talk to holly again? I mean, if she wanted to really really talk?
Red says: as a person or with romantic interest?
Charlie Brown says: do you think there's a chance he'd ever want to be close to me again?
Red says: i have no idea
Charlie Brown says: ah.....would you want to talk to holly again? I mean, if she wanted to really really talk?
Red says: as a person or with romantic interest?
Charlie Brown says: either/or?
Red says: as a person, sure. I'll talk to about anyone who doesn't piss me off just as a person. romantically, no way
A lot of things I wish I could take more interest in. Doing well in school, meeting more people, exercising more, having fun, studying. Other things though, parents, people around me dying, money, ex girlfriends...I can't think too much about that stuff or I get even more worn out than I already am. It's too strenuous and I don't have the energy to carry on that way anymore.
On the topic, though, I'll have a credit card bill of more than a couple hundred dollars to pay off when I get it. I have the money, and most of the stuff I put on it was stuff I'm going to turn around and sell for a profit, but it's depressing.
Why is making a profit depressing? It's normally not, other than the downtime between purchase and sale when I'm broke, but this round all the money is going to fixing the side of my truck that's now got a beautiful dent and black streak down the side. I won't even discuss that accident, but luckily no one was hurt other than the people's house.
Stupid jaywalking houses, man.
People. First all the right people came into my life and disappeared. Then all the wrong ones came and stayed far too long. Now no one's really there at all, but luckily some of the good ones are sneaking back in.
School. I'm a fucking failure. The end.
Exs. One sent me fanatical "WHERE ARE YOU" messages while I was away the other day after not talking to me for months. I talk to Schatze now and then and it's good, we're getting back to normal. At least as normal as "normal" ever was for us. There's the distinctive feeling that something's lacking, but that's bound to happen after you go out with someone for two years.
Everyone asks about Alpha. I guess I did it to myself, writing this grand little book that I am, her becoming such an integral character. People don't accept that she could simply not exist anymore; they want the ending, they want the closure. But that's all that really happened. I have my closure. I hit my thumb three times before I struck the nail, but in the end I just realized she's still too immature. Not all in all, just as far as what I personally need. I still think she's a nice person and all, but after everything's done with and laid out, you can only be led on and coaxed along so long and so far. She succeeded in keeping me half interested and at arm's length for a long time, but I got sick of the game and walked off the field. We haven't talked in a few months, other than a couple weeks ago when she was telling me how great I was, coincidentally after I sent her a file she needed and had only talked to me to ask for.
So that's what happened there. Feel free to keep asking questions, but I don't see why those who have been still are. If anything happens, and it won't, I'd post it. You know I'd fill your selfish, nosey little desires, my beloved readers who need lives of their own.
School. I could've made a C in my educational psychology course. The teacher was unclear on something, so instead of following my first hunch and turning in what I had ("It's an all or nothing grade") I didn't turn in anything ("Oh, those items are graded seperately, you should've turned that in") on a particularly important assignment. That knocked me down to mid-D. I could still reclaim myself by doing well on the presentation that took place of our final. I stayed up all night writing and rewriting about six pages of text for the less-than-twenty minute presentation (it'd have taken about 15-20 to present it all). I made a powerpoint, the whole nine yards. It was at 16:20, I finally crashed at 13:00 after making, memorizing, and rehearsing the damn thing, along with having taken a German final from 8:00-10:00. I promptly slept through my alarm and woke up at 16:47, effectively ensuring that I failed the class.
I hate me so much sometimes. Other times I'm content, but I can't say I'm ever really happy about me.
German, I can only hope. What, though? Me not ace a language course? I haven't done my homework ever since I found out the course wouldn't count toward a minor. I've gone maybe 70% of the time. I know I passed the final all right, I just don't know if "all right" is enough. It seems like the kind of instructor who will knock me down a letter grade just for doing good and not even going to class when other kids go all the time and do worse or the same as I do.
The other classes should be two As and a C or an A, B, and C. I'm doing so poorly post high school. Being "smart" really hurt me...I got in the habit of not having to study or even pay attention to ace things, even after going to increasingly harder high schools to try and get a challenge.
Like anyone cares how much of a scholastic dumbass I am but me. I'm switching majors anyway. Next semester will be computer science, and if all goes well the semester after that I'll be in Toronto doing computer engineering.
Me as an engineer. Pffft, what a fucking joke. I can't even pass statistics. I hate deskjobs with a passion, but I can somewhat do computers and figured I'd have a slight chance of actually getting a degree and making something of myself. I'd have money to support that family I always wanted but will never have, at least. The good news is that since I'll never have it, I can go back later on and get my English Edu degree that I wanted to start with from a certified Canadian Uni instead of one in the US that may or may not count.
I'll hang in there for a few reasons: A) Though I'm increasingly thinking I'm not cut out for college, I refuse to have a totally shitty job working restaurants and being degraded by people stupider than me the rest of my life B) I want to stay in Canada and there to be no excuse for my family to try and "recall" me. C) They have fencing, and it'll let me exercise and have fun in a good outlet as well as make some friends. It'll be healthy and reflect in my grades, I hope. D) Like I said, it's fucking Canada. I can't wait to get out of here, even if I'll get mugged for wearing my Montreal jersies in Toronto.
Christmas...I mean...Soviets' Day...is in seven days. Yuck. Relatives piss me off, especially when I have to spend time with them. My grandmother...I love her to death...but she always bitches at me for not calling her. I've tried to call for about three weeks now and she won't pick up the fucking phone. She hasn't tried to call me, either, but I assure you the next time I talk to her: "Did you forget how to dial the phone? Do you need to write down my phonenumber? Did you forget about your dear old grandmother?"
Dear God, who uses the "dear old grandmother" line outside of a cartoon? What a Jew. Unfortunately she's actually a Christian, though, and I'll get all kinds of shit for not going up there Thanksgiving OR Christmas and for not helping her decorate and on and on. I wish she were immortal, but I also wish it were possible for her to exist without bitching so much. Like I'm doing. At least my audience has a choice, right? Right?
Yeah, screw you guys, pssh.
A month with my sister's mom...shoot me in the face. Please. I don't like to claim my "father" (or my "mailman" as you might say) but I definitely don't take after her. She has way too many emotions. So I'll just sleep all day and stay up all night for a month and be royally screwed when I go back to school.
Plus I'll get bitched at for not looking happy on Christmas, there will be a fight about something between my mom and sister that will somehow be my fault, my sister will leave two days afterward, and there'll be another shitty ruined holiday under the belt. Well, not quite until mid-January when my grandmother finally pays a quarter to call me and tell me to call her back so she doesn't have to pay for the call, then tells me I suck for not having been there. Then it'll be my birthday at the end of January and no one will remember or care, least of all me, until about five days afterward when they all say "Oh here's your present, I couldn't find it...(cough)..." and ask me why I didn't call them on my birthday as if that were my obligation. Why don't I just buy all of them presents, too, to celebrate a day where all I want is to be left the fuck alone by my family and bastards and morons and Americans and French people and just be able to sleep and die for a few hours.
Raspberries have nothing on this bitter, baby.
All I can tell you for certain is this:
1) I'm getting to Canada one fucking way or the other.
2) I refuse to die by some stupid means surrounded by some stupid bitches.
3) I can't take this bullshit much longer.
4) Chaos moving in will (had better be, or else) a breath of fresh air (after he cleans up from smelling like Iraqi urinals).
5) The next time I fuck, it's going to be some pent-up crazy animalistic shit, let me tell ya.
6) I'm going to go completely insane, someday.
Any day is good for me, my schedule's open.
Exs. One sent me fanatical "WHERE ARE YOU" messages while I was away the other day after not talking to me for months. I talk to Schatze now and then and it's good, we're getting back to normal. At least as normal as "normal" ever was for us. There's the distinctive feeling that something's lacking, but that's bound to happen after you go out with someone for two years.
Everyone asks about Alpha. I guess I did it to myself, writing this grand little book that I am, her becoming such an integral character. People don't accept that she could simply not exist anymore; they want the ending, they want the closure. But that's all that really happened. I have my closure. I hit my thumb three times before I struck the nail, but in the end I just realized she's still too immature. Not all in all, just as far as what I personally need. I still think she's a nice person and all, but after everything's done with and laid out, you can only be led on and coaxed along so long and so far. She succeeded in keeping me half interested and at arm's length for a long time, but I got sick of the game and walked off the field. We haven't talked in a few months, other than a couple weeks ago when she was telling me how great I was, coincidentally after I sent her a file she needed and had only talked to me to ask for.
So that's what happened there. Feel free to keep asking questions, but I don't see why those who have been still are. If anything happens, and it won't, I'd post it. You know I'd fill your selfish, nosey little desires, my beloved readers who need lives of their own.
School. I could've made a C in my educational psychology course. The teacher was unclear on something, so instead of following my first hunch and turning in what I had ("It's an all or nothing grade") I didn't turn in anything ("Oh, those items are graded seperately, you should've turned that in") on a particularly important assignment. That knocked me down to mid-D. I could still reclaim myself by doing well on the presentation that took place of our final. I stayed up all night writing and rewriting about six pages of text for the less-than-twenty minute presentation (it'd have taken about 15-20 to present it all). I made a powerpoint, the whole nine yards. It was at 16:20, I finally crashed at 13:00 after making, memorizing, and rehearsing the damn thing, along with having taken a German final from 8:00-10:00. I promptly slept through my alarm and woke up at 16:47, effectively ensuring that I failed the class.
I hate me so much sometimes. Other times I'm content, but I can't say I'm ever really happy about me.
German, I can only hope. What, though? Me not ace a language course? I haven't done my homework ever since I found out the course wouldn't count toward a minor. I've gone maybe 70% of the time. I know I passed the final all right, I just don't know if "all right" is enough. It seems like the kind of instructor who will knock me down a letter grade just for doing good and not even going to class when other kids go all the time and do worse or the same as I do.
The other classes should be two As and a C or an A, B, and C. I'm doing so poorly post high school. Being "smart" really hurt me...I got in the habit of not having to study or even pay attention to ace things, even after going to increasingly harder high schools to try and get a challenge.
Like anyone cares how much of a scholastic dumbass I am but me. I'm switching majors anyway. Next semester will be computer science, and if all goes well the semester after that I'll be in Toronto doing computer engineering.
Me as an engineer. Pffft, what a fucking joke. I can't even pass statistics. I hate deskjobs with a passion, but I can somewhat do computers and figured I'd have a slight chance of actually getting a degree and making something of myself. I'd have money to support that family I always wanted but will never have, at least. The good news is that since I'll never have it, I can go back later on and get my English Edu degree that I wanted to start with from a certified Canadian Uni instead of one in the US that may or may not count.
I'll hang in there for a few reasons: A) Though I'm increasingly thinking I'm not cut out for college, I refuse to have a totally shitty job working restaurants and being degraded by people stupider than me the rest of my life B) I want to stay in Canada and there to be no excuse for my family to try and "recall" me. C) They have fencing, and it'll let me exercise and have fun in a good outlet as well as make some friends. It'll be healthy and reflect in my grades, I hope. D) Like I said, it's fucking Canada. I can't wait to get out of here, even if I'll get mugged for wearing my Montreal jersies in Toronto.
Christmas...I mean...Soviets' Day...is in seven days. Yuck. Relatives piss me off, especially when I have to spend time with them. My grandmother...I love her to death...but she always bitches at me for not calling her. I've tried to call for about three weeks now and she won't pick up the fucking phone. She hasn't tried to call me, either, but I assure you the next time I talk to her: "Did you forget how to dial the phone? Do you need to write down my phonenumber? Did you forget about your dear old grandmother?"
Dear God, who uses the "dear old grandmother" line outside of a cartoon? What a Jew. Unfortunately she's actually a Christian, though, and I'll get all kinds of shit for not going up there Thanksgiving OR Christmas and for not helping her decorate and on and on. I wish she were immortal, but I also wish it were possible for her to exist without bitching so much. Like I'm doing. At least my audience has a choice, right? Right?
Yeah, screw you guys, pssh.
A month with my sister's mom...shoot me in the face. Please. I don't like to claim my "father" (or my "mailman" as you might say) but I definitely don't take after her. She has way too many emotions. So I'll just sleep all day and stay up all night for a month and be royally screwed when I go back to school.
Plus I'll get bitched at for not looking happy on Christmas, there will be a fight about something between my mom and sister that will somehow be my fault, my sister will leave two days afterward, and there'll be another shitty ruined holiday under the belt. Well, not quite until mid-January when my grandmother finally pays a quarter to call me and tell me to call her back so she doesn't have to pay for the call, then tells me I suck for not having been there. Then it'll be my birthday at the end of January and no one will remember or care, least of all me, until about five days afterward when they all say "Oh here's your present, I couldn't find it...(cough)..." and ask me why I didn't call them on my birthday as if that were my obligation. Why don't I just buy all of them presents, too, to celebrate a day where all I want is to be left the fuck alone by my family and bastards and morons and Americans and French people and just be able to sleep and die for a few hours.
Raspberries have nothing on this bitter, baby.
All I can tell you for certain is this:
1) I'm getting to Canada one fucking way or the other.
2) I refuse to die by some stupid means surrounded by some stupid bitches.
3) I can't take this bullshit much longer.
4) Chaos moving in will (had better be, or else) a breath of fresh air (after he cleans up from smelling like Iraqi urinals).
5) The next time I fuck, it's going to be some pent-up crazy animalistic shit, let me tell ya.
6) I'm going to go completely insane, someday.
Any day is good for me, my schedule's open.
posted by red at 01:09
2 comments
