Failsafe Methods

Women are precious, fragile beings that deserve the utmost respect and courtesy of men. While they are graceful and strong, they are also deserving of our care and understanding. Women are sensitive and emotional, and as a man, it's important to know that you must try to be as in-tune with their needs as possible and strive to be understanding of their differences. Gentlemanly behaviour is a necessity in relations with the appropriately called fairer gender.

MYTH: BUSTED.

A guy friend who's not the biggest talker in the world recently told me that he gets stuck when he's talking to women. He'll get to that certain point that every guy has been to at which you either seal the deal or trail off and talk about something completely unrelated. He said he'll get to that point and then choke almost every time because of the way he was raised to view women and how nervous they make him.

What I told him was this: women are just humans, too. They have one chromosome difference. Picture that girl sitting on her ass watching TV and stuffing Doritos in her face, orange remnants smeared on her sweat-stained t-shirt. She sits completely mentally vacant in her sweatpants, smelling like she needs a shower and getting fatter by the minute while she coughs up particles of chewed chips. Later she'll get up and go take a giant, loud, explosive shit that will splash urinewater all over her ass. When she finally gets up she'll wipe one time too few and look at the shit on the paper every swipe to see when she's done. Picture that and your problems with the girl in front of you will melt away. Quite possibly your desire to be friends with her at all will, too.

He said it was probably the best advice he's ever gotten about women.

Women will try to make you play their games, and most men fall for it because they've been reared to be slaves to the societal overmind that dictates action and reaction to things that don't have a penis. The solution is quite simple: even when women are on the defensive, they're always on the offensive. All you have to do is use their shit against them and they are powerless.

For example, your girl wants to go to an overly priced restaurant yet again and you aren't going to be able to afford that AND get your Nintendo DS by tomorrow. You ask her if you can go somewhere else, but she's insistent or acts like she's displeased/unhappy with your choices.

She says: "That's fine...I guess..." "I was hoping we could go to..." "I thought you wanted to have a romantic dinner..." "You said you'd take me to..."

You say: "I want us to have a good time together, but we've been going to the same types of restaurants that you've gotten to choose for a month now. I was hoping we could get out to a different atmosphere for a change and try something new. If you don't like it, we'll go back to the other place next time."

You DON'T say: "I'm broke, bitch."

Another classic scenario is when you're having a disagreement about doing something, and she pulls the happiness and satisfaction card COMBINED WITH the do shit for me card. You can't build her that deck she's been bitching about for six months AND slack off all afternoon.

She says: "Why don't you do this for me? Don't you want me to be happy?"

You say: "Of course I do. But I thought you wanted us to treat each other as equals. I know sometimes you might not feel like I'm doing my fair share around here, but I try and do what I can for you. I don't just want you to be happy, I want you to be happy WITH me. Maybe we could build that deck together this weekend. You'd be a big help with the stuff that's hard to do alone."

This will work because she sure as fuck doesn't want to build the deck either.

This sort of reaction can be applied to any situation, and I guarantee it works every time. The important elements are to have something that appears to be compromise but really isn't, honesty so far as she'll ever know, and self-victimization in such a way that if she goes against what you're saying, she's the asshole and not you. It's important to keep a soft tone and seem somewhat saddened when you say these things to prey on her motherly instincts.

Once you can combine the understanding that women are just shitting meatbags that don't understand how to win at their own games, you're dressed for success. Go out there and land the hood rat or corner skank you truly deserve.

Some girls prefer the asshole type. In this case, you can use my failsafe approach of complete and unrestrained honesty.

She says: "Will you take me to nice places when we're together?"

You say: "No bitch, yo white trash ass wouldn't know how to behave. You'd prolly show up in a do-rag, and in high society, that shit is a don't-rag. Til you can understand that, yo ass be eatin Spaghetti-Os from a dirty microwave."

Remember: Not every woman is different. Women are not special snowflakes that are all unique and will melt or break if you mishandle them. They're venomous spiders waiting to wrap you with their butt-threads and suck the life out of you before you can say vagina. Women are not special and do not deserve unconditional respect.

Keep these tips in mind, practice, and before long you'll be forming pointless relationships and having meaningless sex for little to no money or time investment. The key to happiness is satisfying your human drives and id's greed. Take everything you want and leave those selfish cunts wondering what the hell just happened like they've done to you for your entire life.

Don't send all your thank-yous and praise mails all at once, but be sure and let me know how things turn out so I can pretend like I care about your opinion or life and alleviate a few minutes of boredom in my day.

Cheers!