Lights, Camera....Just Lights and Camera!
I'm notorious for seeing only a couple new movies a year, but having moved in with a mediahead, that's somewhat changing due to proximity.
Having sat through Ghost Rider tonight, it was reiterated why I never watch movies. Ghost Rider had to be the most wretched, fetid pile of shit that Nick Cage has been in, even including National Treasure.
For the past decade Hollywood has been overrun with actors and actresses who only play themselves. Jennifer Aniston stars as the friendly, jittery girlfriend next door type. Adam Sandler plays the funny guy who goes down the wrong path but finds his way to happiness in the end. Robin Williams stars as the eccentric but comedic father figure. Nick Cage plays a half-mumbling guy who looks like he's about to burst into tears at any given second. Drew Barrymore appears as the chubby bitch who's supposed to be cute and innocent.
Let's not forget Chris Rock and/or Tucker as the token funny black guy. Owen Wilson stars in another film as...Owen Wilson! Meanwhile, Pierce Brosnan stars as the dashing yet reserved agent, and Halle Berry is fucking insane.
Depp is an actor. Jude Motherfuckin Law (that's his legal middle name) is an actor. Edward Norton has enormous balls and is an actor. Christopher Walkin isn't an actor, but he built Optimus Prime so he counts among worthy Hollywood additions. I'd even rather see Tom Cruise, as freaked out as he is, in another film than another actor starring as himself yet again. I'll give you Shanghai Noon and Rush Hour (one), but come on, if you've seen ANY Jackie Chan movie, the only reason to subject yourself to Who Am I is as an alternative to watching Tuxedo.
On a side note, Christina Ricci was delicious loli as Wednesday in The Addams Family.
The downside to actors that can actually do a decent job is that once they make something you love, you can't stand to see them in anything else anyway. Beerfest was totally ruined by the fact that you can't help but compare it to Super Troopers. Hot Fuzz? Not as good as Shawn of the Dead. Life of Brian? It's not Holy Grail.
Russell Crowe will never be that guy from A Beautiful Mind. He'll always be the dude from Gladiator. Jon Heder will always be Napoleon, Ron Livingston will always be the man in Office Space, Hugh Jackman is always going to be Wolverine, and Arnold Schwarzenegger will ONLY be remembered for his epic performance in Red Heat.
That's right, RED HEAT, "the sizzling theatrical blockbuster smash, which is the first movie to ever be filmed in Russia's famed Red Square. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Captain Ivan Danko, a highly disciplined Russian detective. James Belushi is Detective Art Ridzik, a fearless but undisciplined cop. They're a pair of mismatched cops hot on the trail of Russia's deadliest drug smuggler throughout the mean streets of Chicago. A nonstop action-adventure, packed with humor and thrills...with this much friction, there's gonna be heat...RED HEAT."
Oh lawdy, one is described as disciplined, but the other is described as UNdisciplined. And they're both cops. The classic zany-cop serious-cop combo starring Arnold. We should all be as lucky as James Belushi was to have been part of history like that.
In the end, America hasn't come out with anything worth watching since The Princess Bride (there, I said it) with the exception of Major Payne in twenty years. Nothing coming out of Hollywood is any better than poorly-subbed Hong Kong rips like Kung Fu Hustle. The worst news is that there's no sign of improvement. There aren't any Philip K. Dick books left for screenwriters to butcher, and as long as people are paying to see Adam Sandler star as himself in Click or Rob Schneider play as himself in a movie Sandler is making because he fails so hard he can't get a break on his own without being in Mr. Deeds' shadow...well, you get the idea.
Three things in closing:
Anthony Hopkins, you'll never do better than Silence of the Lambs. So please, stop ruining the fucking original by being in these crappy pre/se-quels, especially in a tight white t-shirt with cuffs on at your age. Write a book, have a signing, fucking retire and stop ruining our respect for you.
Sam Jackson and the entire cast of Friends, fuck off already.
Yes, Christina Ricci WAS delicious loli, so you shut your face. I don't care about the fact that you could land a Boeing 747 on her forehead. She was Wednesday, damn it.
Having sat through Ghost Rider tonight, it was reiterated why I never watch movies. Ghost Rider had to be the most wretched, fetid pile of shit that Nick Cage has been in, even including National Treasure.
For the past decade Hollywood has been overrun with actors and actresses who only play themselves. Jennifer Aniston stars as the friendly, jittery girlfriend next door type. Adam Sandler plays the funny guy who goes down the wrong path but finds his way to happiness in the end. Robin Williams stars as the eccentric but comedic father figure. Nick Cage plays a half-mumbling guy who looks like he's about to burst into tears at any given second. Drew Barrymore appears as the chubby bitch who's supposed to be cute and innocent.
Let's not forget Chris Rock and/or Tucker as the token funny black guy. Owen Wilson stars in another film as...Owen Wilson! Meanwhile, Pierce Brosnan stars as the dashing yet reserved agent, and Halle Berry is fucking insane.
Depp is an actor. Jude Motherfuckin Law (that's his legal middle name) is an actor. Edward Norton has enormous balls and is an actor. Christopher Walkin isn't an actor, but he built Optimus Prime so he counts among worthy Hollywood additions. I'd even rather see Tom Cruise, as freaked out as he is, in another film than another actor starring as himself yet again. I'll give you Shanghai Noon and Rush Hour (one), but come on, if you've seen ANY Jackie Chan movie, the only reason to subject yourself to Who Am I is as an alternative to watching Tuxedo.
On a side note, Christina Ricci was delicious loli as Wednesday in The Addams Family.
The downside to actors that can actually do a decent job is that once they make something you love, you can't stand to see them in anything else anyway. Beerfest was totally ruined by the fact that you can't help but compare it to Super Troopers. Hot Fuzz? Not as good as Shawn of the Dead. Life of Brian? It's not Holy Grail.
Russell Crowe will never be that guy from A Beautiful Mind. He'll always be the dude from Gladiator. Jon Heder will always be Napoleon, Ron Livingston will always be the man in Office Space, Hugh Jackman is always going to be Wolverine, and Arnold Schwarzenegger will ONLY be remembered for his epic performance in Red Heat.
That's right, RED HEAT, "the sizzling theatrical blockbuster smash, which is the first movie to ever be filmed in Russia's famed Red Square. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Captain Ivan Danko, a highly disciplined Russian detective. James Belushi is Detective Art Ridzik, a fearless but undisciplined cop. They're a pair of mismatched cops hot on the trail of Russia's deadliest drug smuggler throughout the mean streets of Chicago. A nonstop action-adventure, packed with humor and thrills...with this much friction, there's gonna be heat...RED HEAT."
Oh lawdy, one is described as disciplined, but the other is described as UNdisciplined. And they're both cops. The classic zany-cop serious-cop combo starring Arnold. We should all be as lucky as James Belushi was to have been part of history like that.
In the end, America hasn't come out with anything worth watching since The Princess Bride (there, I said it) with the exception of Major Payne in twenty years. Nothing coming out of Hollywood is any better than poorly-subbed Hong Kong rips like Kung Fu Hustle. The worst news is that there's no sign of improvement. There aren't any Philip K. Dick books left for screenwriters to butcher, and as long as people are paying to see Adam Sandler star as himself in Click or Rob Schneider play as himself in a movie Sandler is making because he fails so hard he can't get a break on his own without being in Mr. Deeds' shadow...well, you get the idea.
Three things in closing:
Anthony Hopkins, you'll never do better than Silence of the Lambs. So please, stop ruining the fucking original by being in these crappy pre/se-quels, especially in a tight white t-shirt with cuffs on at your age. Write a book, have a signing, fucking retire and stop ruining our respect for you.
Sam Jackson and the entire cast of Friends, fuck off already.
Yes, Christina Ricci WAS delicious loli, so you shut your face. I don't care about the fact that you could land a Boeing 747 on her forehead. She was Wednesday, damn it.
posted by red at 23:10
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home