Insatiable
I am not very quick at math, but I am amazingly meticulous when it comes to things that matter.
Which is why I felt like vomiting when I got my credit card bill a couple months ago.
Financially speaking, I've always been an excellent saver and investor. As my grandfather advised me, you can spend all you make as long as you don't spend more than you make. But say that one were to have made a few large purchases and somewhere along the line...what's the word...forgot?
Granted I have a considerable little sum tied up in bonds and CDs and whatnot, and that sum has been sitting there waiting for me and growing for years as an absolute last resort. To me, though, last resort isn't not having food or even clean clothes or anything like that. To me, last resort would mean that I was out of a home with no compassionate friends and street begging wasn't working out. I don't consider any of my invested money as expendable income. I don't even think of it as income. I think of it as being able to retire when I'm 40 on a lower middle class income due to finding an amazing hole in the banking system.
As far as expendable income goes, I start worrying to the point of being sick if I have less than, say, 500 dollars sitting there for whatever reason. If I can't cover my bills for at least two months, it makes me physically ill and incredibly depressive. I've always hated money and resented that it could have this effect on me, but that's how it stands.
Taking care of the necessities for the next two months, I'm left with about 100 dollars in my name. I know I will be fine between my work income and my patron (yes, I have a patron, how many people in this century can say that?).
I think it's just easier to worry myself over something material that I know will turn out in the end than it is to worry about something less palpable with a conclusion unknown to any.
A specific example arose earlier this evening. Everyone seems to be getting married so young now that, despite the fact that they're fucking retarded, it makes the rest of us wonder if we're not missing our chance at something.
"Girls, games, and gangsterism, it's all expensive nowadays," I tell my friend.
"Yeah, and I can't spend any more money for a while," he replies, "but I would like to have a girl. I'm tired of being lonely."
That's just it, it seems. People no longer resist that passion of youth that longs for a warm body to wake up to. No one's rational anymore. They're too busy convincing themselves that this person is the only person for them and explaining away every flaw...so busy that they don't stop and think that hey, I can't even be counted on to return phone calls, how can I count on myself to uphold a lifelong commitment?
"I hear you've fulfilled every white man's dream and gone AZN," my friend says.
"Gone there and am on my way back, I think," I say. "You know it's not the right one when you still feel lonely with her."
I took me less than 12 hours to realize I don't care what happens to her. It took my father 23 years to figure that out about my mother. I'm glad, at least, that I'm quick enough at math to be able to minimize my losses in a situation like this.
The hard part would seem to be figuring out how to maximize my gains. This is only a surface difficulty, though, and the answer is obvious. Human magnetism is the attraction of similitude. Likes go with likes or the perception of likes. Red is still in so many pieces, but I have patience, and my meticulousness is forging him back together not withholding a single tiny scrap.
Everyone tells me that I'm smart. Intelligent. Genius, some even insist. I think of myself as widely mediocre, even stupid at best in most matters. If I am stupid and smarter than that majority of others, then I have failed. I am not a prince among kings, I am an emperor among fools. Why on earth should I be in any hurry to subject the continuation of my soul through my seed to a world where people still believe that America is free, God would be jealous, and death is some far off foreign traveler?
In this world, loss and gain become the same. In this world, there is nothing that any amount of safe-money could bring to make me forget my soul. In this world, there is no look that any woman can give me that will make me feel any less lonely.
I have become insatiable.
Which is why I felt like vomiting when I got my credit card bill a couple months ago.
Financially speaking, I've always been an excellent saver and investor. As my grandfather advised me, you can spend all you make as long as you don't spend more than you make. But say that one were to have made a few large purchases and somewhere along the line...what's the word...forgot?
Granted I have a considerable little sum tied up in bonds and CDs and whatnot, and that sum has been sitting there waiting for me and growing for years as an absolute last resort. To me, though, last resort isn't not having food or even clean clothes or anything like that. To me, last resort would mean that I was out of a home with no compassionate friends and street begging wasn't working out. I don't consider any of my invested money as expendable income. I don't even think of it as income. I think of it as being able to retire when I'm 40 on a lower middle class income due to finding an amazing hole in the banking system.
As far as expendable income goes, I start worrying to the point of being sick if I have less than, say, 500 dollars sitting there for whatever reason. If I can't cover my bills for at least two months, it makes me physically ill and incredibly depressive. I've always hated money and resented that it could have this effect on me, but that's how it stands.
Taking care of the necessities for the next two months, I'm left with about 100 dollars in my name. I know I will be fine between my work income and my patron (yes, I have a patron, how many people in this century can say that?).
I think it's just easier to worry myself over something material that I know will turn out in the end than it is to worry about something less palpable with a conclusion unknown to any.
A specific example arose earlier this evening. Everyone seems to be getting married so young now that, despite the fact that they're fucking retarded, it makes the rest of us wonder if we're not missing our chance at something.
"Girls, games, and gangsterism, it's all expensive nowadays," I tell my friend.
"Yeah, and I can't spend any more money for a while," he replies, "but I would like to have a girl. I'm tired of being lonely."
That's just it, it seems. People no longer resist that passion of youth that longs for a warm body to wake up to. No one's rational anymore. They're too busy convincing themselves that this person is the only person for them and explaining away every flaw...so busy that they don't stop and think that hey, I can't even be counted on to return phone calls, how can I count on myself to uphold a lifelong commitment?
"I hear you've fulfilled every white man's dream and gone AZN," my friend says.
"Gone there and am on my way back, I think," I say. "You know it's not the right one when you still feel lonely with her."
I took me less than 12 hours to realize I don't care what happens to her. It took my father 23 years to figure that out about my mother. I'm glad, at least, that I'm quick enough at math to be able to minimize my losses in a situation like this.
The hard part would seem to be figuring out how to maximize my gains. This is only a surface difficulty, though, and the answer is obvious. Human magnetism is the attraction of similitude. Likes go with likes or the perception of likes. Red is still in so many pieces, but I have patience, and my meticulousness is forging him back together not withholding a single tiny scrap.
Everyone tells me that I'm smart. Intelligent. Genius, some even insist. I think of myself as widely mediocre, even stupid at best in most matters. If I am stupid and smarter than that majority of others, then I have failed. I am not a prince among kings, I am an emperor among fools. Why on earth should I be in any hurry to subject the continuation of my soul through my seed to a world where people still believe that America is free, God would be jealous, and death is some far off foreign traveler?
In this world, loss and gain become the same. In this world, there is nothing that any amount of safe-money could bring to make me forget my soul. In this world, there is no look that any woman can give me that will make me feel any less lonely.
I have become insatiable.
posted by red at 21:59
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